Adjusting to Being Alone Together
Jim and Danette sat in front of me with forlorn looks on their faces. Their kids had all moved out and move on and the statement that came out of Danette's mouth brought an agreeing nod from Jim, "It doesn't seem like we know each other anymore and we don't feel close and connected."
The sad news is that there has been a steady increase in the number of divorces among couples married 30 or more years. Many long-term married couples divorce one another after the kids leave home. They realize too late that their children kept them together. Our pastor has said that we live in a "child-driven" society and one in which the children come first in a marriage instead of the couple. Other couples divorce during the empty nest years because they can't handle the health issues and the sense of an uncertain future along with being overwhelmed by too much togetherness. The good news is that with good communication and preparation for this phase of your marriage, the empty nest years can be tremendously enjoyable and full of new beginnings. That's right, there is hope! So now that the kids have left home, what comes next?
THINGS YOU'LL NOTICE RIGHT AWAY
- You may feel a sense of emptiness and loneliness.
- You are delighted to see emails from your kids or have them call you.
- Your grocery bills are lower.
- Abandoned pets need feeding.
- There's food in the refrigerator.
- The house stays clean.
- You look forward to receiving pictures from the kids.
- You only have to wash clothes and towels once a week.
- Your home is quiet, maybe too quiet!
- There's hot water when you want it.
- The phone rings less.
- Your water bill takes a dive.
- You can use the computer whenever you want.
- Your attic is full of boxes of the kids' mementoes and belongings they need stored for awhile.
- You may keep some of your kids' favorite stuffed animals or toys where you can see them.
- You can make love on the living room sofa in the middle of the day.
THINGS YOU NEED TO DISCUSS
- Your hopes and dreams for the future
- Expectations
- The sense of grief you are both feeling in dealing with the kids leaving home
- Financial concerns
- Health issues including menopause and andropause
- Downsizing
- Changing roles
- Where you want to live for the rest of your life
- Boomerang kids
- Grandchildren
- Aging parents
- Getting in one another's way and on one another's nerves
- The importance of being versus doing
- Travel
- Having fun together
THINGS YOU NEED TO DO
- Seek counseling if your empty nest marriage is showing signs of withdrawal, alienation, and negativity or if you are experiencing prolonged periods of depression.
- Re-discover each other and learn how to grow together in new endeavors and outlooks on life. In a sense, you are creating a "new marriage" for this time of your life it can be the most exciting time of life if you work at it! If you work on your marriagemarriage works!
- Accept that you will experience grief and that it hits men just as hard as it hits women. Empty nest dads may feel a sense of regret over things they didn't do and time not spent with their children.
- Limit how often you call your kids.
- Don't place guilt trips on your kids. This is especially important during the holidays.
- Keep lists of each kids' favorite foods for when they visit or when you put together a care package to send out.
- Develop a flexible mindset and be open to change.
- Work on becoming friends with your adult children.
- Don't rush into volunteer roles, travel, taking classes, moving, or emptying out a kid's room. You have plenty of time.
- Schedule dates with each other.
- Make a list of things you have never done but would like to do.
- Make some short-term and long-term plans on how you will spend your money and time.
- If you are thinking about downsizing, see if you can declutter and simplify your life without moving.
- Before making a move to a new location, make sure you have truly double checked your tax situation, and tax benefits from selling and buying, along with analyzing maintenance and utility costs in the new location.
- Don't make assumptions about what your spouse is thinking or wanting to do.
- Marital burnout doesn't happen to empty nest couples who don't resurface old issues, and who continue to be sensitive and aware of one another. You can turn the second half of your marital journey into a delightful journey of discovery and joy.
Much of the helpful information in this article comes from, "Your Guide to Marriage " by Sheri & Bob Stritof. |
