Boundaries with Kids
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Zondervan Books, 1998, 223 pages.
This is an excellent resource for parents, whether you are in full-time vocational ministry or are a layperson. This award-winning book breaks open new ground in the timeless art of parenting kids, regardless of your gender, economics, race or faith. We would recommend this book as a must-read resource. In it's pages, the authors focus on how to establish boundaries with your children. Their goal is to assist you in creating healthy boundaries that will produce kids who have a healthy sense of accountability and ownership for their own lives. This book takes biblical principles and folds them into simple yet achievable goals for your kids. You will also get some helpful hints on how you can become a loving parent, but still have clear and healthy boundaries with your children.

Do Your Kids a Favor
Put them second-after your marriage. (They want you to be in love.)
By Victoria Scanlan Stefanakos

When was the last time you had a conversation with your partner that wasn't about the kids? If you can't remember, your relationship could be headed for tough times, says Shirley P. Glass. In her new book, Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press), Glass argues that even good relationships have hidden vulnerabilities, and too much "kid time" can cause stress fractures. We talked with Glass about getting your grown-up groove back.

Know what you are up against. A child-centered marriage is one in which a couple's energy, time and passion are focused on their children's needs to the exclusion of their own. The adults don't have an identity-either as individuals or as a couple-separate from their parenthood; they're only "Mom" and "Dad." You know you fit the profile if:

You never have a private conversation, one in which a child isn't present. You can't remember the last time you went out without your kids. Most of the laughs you share with your partner are about the children's antics and interests. Your children see you only as their parents, not as a man and woman who regularly show affection for each other.

Protect what you have. Parents often feel guilty leaving their kids at home, particularly in families with only one child. But guilt-ridden couples should know that one of the best gifts they can give to their children is letting them see their father and mother being in love with each other. Children have so many friends whose folks are divorced that when they see their own parents sharing affection and a private life, that is very comforting. They also learn that the best relationships are mutually rewarding and satisfying.

Schedule deliberately. Responsible parents have to do what's urgent and nonnegotiable. But you can say no to some of the outside demands on all of your time and energy. How many extracurricular activities do your children have to participate in? Don't overschedule them, or yourself. In successful marriages, the couple considers also, Is this going to be good or bad for our relationship? You have to put each other on your calendar. Your couplehood won't always get the time it deserves, but it needs to be your number-one priority in terms of focus.

Try to leave yourselves time alone at night after you get the kids to bed. New parents should get the baby out of the bedroom. Older children shouldn't be allowed in when the door is closed (unless the house is on fire!). Get up 15 minutes early in the morning so you can ask each other over coffee: "How are you doing? What's going on?" (One husband calls it "coffee with hon.") Trust someone else to care for your kids sometimes and let go. If Saturday mornings are full of sports practices and the afternoons are devoted to errands, make Saturday night your night. Hire a babysitter on a regular schedule, and take weekends or an overnight away by yourselves. If you have never done this before, your kids may offer some resistance, but hold your ground. Parents need their getaways.

Love is not enough. If you find yourself captivated by somebody other than your spouse, or not wanting to talk about that person at home, it's time to put up some walls-before you've slid too far down the slippery slope. You need to take action to honor your commitment to your family and your marriage. Also, couples who are trying to recover from an affair often become overly focused on their children. They want to believe that their love for their children will protect them from future infidelity. But that's naïve. So be aware of the dangers.

Find yourselves. It's critical for couples to socialize with other couples so they have an identity as a man and woman relating to other adults. On double dates, try hard not to talk about your children all night. Think about what first attracted you and your spouse to each other. If you used to like to go hiking or biking or dancing together, go back to that. Keep an eye on how much fun you and your partner are having. Nobody just shows up for work and expects to be successful, so why should you and your partner assume that if you love each other, that's all you need? Above all, you need each other.

None present at this time...